Stages of Grief
by greylady7
Summary: Lily Evans learned from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross that there are five stages of grief. James Potter taught her that there's more to life than acceptance.


She feels lonely.

Lily Evans had to agree, there's a certain freedom to finally admitting it. And in the interest of being as honest with herself as possible, she had to add that she's been feeling so for quite some time. She just never realized it.

She's been coming to this park since term ended. It's not a particularly popular spot among the locals – it's shabby, most of the benches bore graffiti, the swings are rickety, and going down the slide poses a risk of tetanus. But it's her favorite place in Cokeworth. _Their_ favorite place. Well it was anyway. She's not particularly sure why she comes here almost every day. Reminiscing the past? Sure. But honestly, she does enough of that on her own even without this shitty park to serve as a reminder. Mostly, she thinks, it's to escape her own home. Sitting by herself in this dirty old bench being reminded that she never used to sit here by herself is infinitely better than fighting with her sister about owl droppings and wedding invitations or failing at convincing her mother to get out of bed.

Merlin, Lily had no idea loneliness also makes a witch a self-pitying fool.

* * *

She's not lonely anymore. Or so she reckons. But she's quite sure she's angry.

She no longer sits at the old park stewing in her lonesomeness. Instead she sits at a stranger's balcony holding a cigarette stick and trying to quench the anger bubbling in her chest. Well that's not quite true. She's not sitting at a stranger's balcony. At least, he's not a stranger anymore. But he might as well be.

"What are you doing?" He asked as he approached her.

"Just wanted a quick smoke. Go back to bed." Lily replied wearily.

"Only if you come back with me." The boy said with a smirk.

"I don't think so…Actually, I was just about to go after I finish this" Lily replied waving her cigarette

"You don't have to go. You're always welcome to spend the night here. You know that, right?", Yes she knows. He's been telling her for the past two weeks, the first night she came here, actually.

"I…I do…but…look, Will, you're a nice bloke. The nicest. But…" Lily trailed off

"It's not me, it's you?" He interrupted.

"Well, yes. Fuck that sounded a lot better in my head. I'm sorry, but I don't think I should see you anymore…" she replied trying to school her face into what hopefully looks like an apologetic one.

"It's cool. You don't have to apologize. We both laid our expectations right from the beginning…and well, I didn't realize it until now actually, but I think mine had changed since then…" he said with a smile – clearly the opposite of how he felt.

"I'm sorry. I'm going away to Scotland soon and you're about to go to London anyway and I thought it's best to make a clean break of it now, yeah?" It was the only thing Lily could think to reply. Anger is now replaced with guilt and Lily thought she's better equipped to deal with the former.

"Okay, Lils. You don't have to keep apologizing, I get it."

"I know. But I wanted to…"

"Look, Lil. It's okay. Water under the bridge. Now, I'll leave you to your cigarette in peace. Good night, flower."

Lily felt extremely awkward staying to smoke but she felt even weirder going back inside his room to gather her things and leave. And so only when Lily was sure he's back to sleep that she slipped inside to get her things before going back to the balcony, taking out her wand and hoping to Merlin that she disapparated as quietly as possible.

* * *

In hindsight, Lily thought she should've ended things with Will until after she got her Hogwarts letter. That way, she'd have less time to obsess over things she can't control. _Quit it, Evans_. Lily mentally reprimanded herself. Ending things with him when she did was the best decision she made all summer and second guessing it is not working wonders for her mental state. However, the late arrival of her Hogwarts letter is not helping either. There are only 3 weeks left until the start of the term and Lily couldn't help but be anxious. Normally, she wouldn't have minded the late arrival but this year's letter – her last one ever – is particularly important. Or so she thinks…because, well…Lily Evans have a feeling that hers would come with a badge – the Head Girl badge that is.

And so Lily Evans distracted herself. Or tried to anyway. There wasn't much choice really, in what form this distraction is going to take. She can try to help Petunia with her wedding preparations (aka trying to set up a foreplay of what will inevitably be a fight), she can try getting her mum to smile or at least get her to fake one for her favorite daughter (aka attempting and eventually failing at getting the both of them out of a freaking blackhole), or she can try to talk to her friends (aka talking to herself because who can she even count as her friends now? Everyone else were just acquaintances, classmates, and housemates next to _him_ ). In the end, Lily Evans decided that she'd rather not be distracted. Obsessing over a letter she is starting to be less sure would be arriving in time for the new term is undoubtedly preferable than the alternatives.

Just when she's starting to contemplate sending a letter to Dumbledore asking him if she got expelled without her knowledge, the source of her anxiety finally arrived. A large tawny owl dropped it on their breakfast table just as she was finishing her first cup of tea. Thankfully, Petunia was nowhere near the kitchen when it did as Lily did not think she could handle an argument with the way her heart was thumping so rapidly in her chest. She pried the letter from the owl with trembling hands and hastily opened the cream envelope. And as the gleaming red badge fell on the Evans' immaculately cleaned kitchen floor, Lily Evans realized – she was not anxious for the letter at all, she was dreading it.


End file.
